The Six Stages of Mother-Daughter Relationships: A Guide to Healing and Growth
A 9-Minute Read
Accompanying podcast episode
Whether you're dealing with the complexities of a mother wound or navigating the challenges of raising a daughter yourself, understanding the six stages of the mother-daughter relationship can be a guide to healing and generational change. Let's explore these stages, how to get your needs met within them, and how to show up for your daughter if you're a mother yourself.
The Six Stages: An Overview
Birth to Adolescence
Adolescence to Young Adult
Young Adult to Marriage and Family
Marriage and Family to Midlife
Midlife
End of Life for the Mother
It's important to note that these stages may vary depending on life circumstances, personal choices, or medical situations. The "Marriage and Family" stage, for instance, might look different for each woman. The key is to recognize the stage you're in and adapt accordingly.
Stage 1: Birth to Adolescence - The Foundation of Trust
This first stage is characterized by dependency, nurturing, and role modeling. As a daughter, your needs in this stage are stability, affection, and guidance. As a mother, your role is to provide these elements with an abundance of patience.
The brain development during this stage is massive. Language skills blossom, understanding of the world expands, and crucial social and emotional learning takes place. The emotional connection to parents, especially to mom, forms the bedrock of who we'll become as adults.
For daughters with mother wounds:
If you didn't receive the stability or affection you needed during this stage, acknowledge this hurt. It's not your fault, and recognizing this need is the first step in healing.
For mothers:
Embrace the wonder of this stage, even when it tests your patience. Your presence and steady love are laying the foundation for your daughter's future relationships.
Stage 2: Adolescence to Young Adult - The Rubber Band Effect
Contrary to popular belief, the teenage years don't have to be a time of constant conflict. Danya Rumore at The University of Utah discusses the idea that conflict isn’t always a bad thing or a threat. It is a normal part of life and growing up. We won’t always want the same things, and your teenager won’t always agree. Instead of conflict, think of this stage as a dance of increasing independence. As a daughter, you need privacy, support, and the space to explore your identity. As a mother, your role is to provide a safe base for this exploration.
Imagine you and your daughter standing inside a rubber band. As the mother, you remain stationary – a constant, reliable presence. Your daughter stretches the band, testing boundaries and independence. Your job is to stay firm in your values and boundaries without snapping the band or stepping outside it.
For daughters with mother wounds:
If your mother was either too controlling or too absent during this stage, you might have struggled to develop a healthy sense of independence. Recognize that it's okay to set boundaries and explore your identity now, even as an adult.
For mothers:
Trust the young woman you've raised. Allow her to stretch that rubber band, knowing she can always snap back to you for support and guidance when needed.
Stage 3: Young Adult - The Collaborative Stage
This is where the mother steps outside the rubber band but still holds onto it. As a young adult daughter, you need your mother to shift into a more collaborative role. You're walking alongside each other now, rather than her walking behind you. You’re holding her hand, with her in the lead.
In this stage, the mother's role changes from setting rules to offering advice. The daughter makes her own decisions, but can still turn to her mother for support and guidance.
For daughters with mother wounds:
If you didn't experience this collaborative shift with your mother, you might struggle with decision-making or seeking advice. It's okay to look for this supportive, collaborative relationship with other trusted women in your life.
For mothers:
Trust the woman you've raised. Offer advice when asked, but remember that your daughter is now the author of her own life story.
Stage 4: Marriage and Family - Shifting Priorities
Should a woman choose marriage and motherhood, her priorities naturally shift. Her primary collaboration becomes with her partner, and she may be holding the hands of her own children.
As a mother, your role now is to be present and supportive, but not at the forefront. Your daughter's immediate family takes precedence, but your wisdom and guidance are still valuable when sought.
For daughters with mother wounds:
If you're in this stage, you might find yourself struggling to balance your roles as a daughter and as a wife/mother. It's okay to prioritize your immediate family while still maintaining a relationship with your mother on your terms.
For mothers:
Respect your daughter's new family unit. Be available for support and advice, but allow her to navigate her new roles independently.
Stage 5: Midlife - The Friendship Stage
This is where the mother-daughter relationship can truly blossom into a friendship. It's a time of mutual understanding, shared experiences, and the potential for deep connection.
For daughters with mother wounds:
If you've made it to this stage and still struggle with your relationship, it's never too late to set boundaries and work on healing. Consider therapy or support groups to help navigate this process.
For mothers:
Embrace this new phase of equality with your daughter. Enjoy the friendship that can develop when the responsibilities of active parenting have eased.
Stage 6: Caring for an Aging Mother - Role Reversal
This final stage often involves a role reversal, with the daughter taking on more caregiving responsibilities. It can be a challenging time, especially if you're also caring for your own children – the so-called "sandwich generation."
For daughters with mother wounds:
Caring for an aging mother can bring up unresolved issues from the past. Be gentle with yourself during this time. It's okay to set boundaries and seek support.
For mothers:
Accept help graciously and use this time to continue deepening your relationship with your daughter.
Healing the Mother Wound
If you're dealing with a mother wound, ask yourself: "What was the event or experience that made me realize my relationship with my mother wasn't healthy or normal?" Often, this realization comes during the young adult stage.
Then, consider: "What did I need that I didn't get?" The answer to this question often points to the part of you that needs healing – your inner child who is still hurting and needs attention.
Remember, healing is possible at any stage. Whether you're working on your relationship with your mother or striving to be the mother your daughter needs, understanding these stages can guide you toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
By recognizing the stage you're in and adapting your role accordingly, you can nurture a mother-daughter relationship that evolves beautifully over time. And if you're healing from a mother wound, know that you're not alone. Your experiences are valid, and there is support available to help you on your journey to healing and growth.