Finding Light After Prenatal Depression
My Pregnancy Journey:
While we often hear about the joys of pregnancy and the challenges of postpartum depression, we rarely discuss the reality of prenatal depression and the struggles many women face during pregnancy itself. Today, I'm sharing my story with you in hopes that it might help others feel less alone in their motherhood journey.
When Pregnancy Isn't What You Expected
In March 2020, I discovered I was pregnant. The initial feeling was a mixture of excitement and shock—not because it wasn't planned, but because it happened so quickly. Little did I know that my pregnancy journey would coincide with the beginning of a global pandemic.
A few weeks after finding out I was pregnant, the world shut down. As everyone retreated to their homes with promises of "just two weeks," I found myself facing not only the anxiety of a new pregnancy but also the fear of a virus we knew little about.
Working part-time as a therapist in private practice and part-time for a non-profit, I quickly transitioned to providing therapy online. While I was helping others navigate their mental health during unprecedented times, I was struggling with something far beyond typical morning sickness.
More Than Morning Sickness: The Physical Battle
What many call "morning sickness" was, for me, "all-day sickness." I wasn't just nauseous—I was vomiting multiple times daily and could barely keep anything down. This constant physical distress would become a significant factor in my prenatal depression, though I didn't recognize it as such at the time.
One day, while in a Zoom meeting, I excused myself to use the bathroom and discovered blood. Trying not to panic, I finished my meeting and called the doctor immediately. They scheduled an ultrasound for the next day.
Due to pandemic restrictions, I had to attend this critical appointment alone. My husband wasn't allowed in the office and had to wait in the car. During this ultrasound, I received shocking news: I had been carrying twins, but was likely losing one or possibly both babies. They told me to wait two weeks to determine if either baby would survive.
The experience of walking back to the car and explaining to my husband that we might have been having twins, but now might lose both, was surreal. The term they used was "Vanishing Twin Syndrome"—a condition where one twin disappears in the womb as if it never existed.
The Dark Cloud: Recognizing Prenatal Depression
During the two-week waiting period, my physical symptoms worsened, and a deep sadness set in. Pregnancy no longer felt joyful—if it ever had. I began experiencing intrusive thoughts about termination, which confused and frightened me since this was a planned and wanted pregnancy.
When I returned for my follow-up appointment, there was only one baby sack visible, with a growing baby and a heartbeat. While I was relieved that one baby had survived, I was officially classified as a high-risk pregnancy.
What I didn't recognize at the time—even as a therapist—was that I was experiencing prenatal depression. The dark cloud that hung over me, the intrusive thoughts, and the complete lack of joy in my pregnancy weren't just physical symptoms or pregnancy hormones—they were signs of a serious mental health condition.
Finding Help When You're Not Heard
My severe nausea continued, and a friend who was also pregnant and suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) shared some of her medication with me. While I don't recommend taking medication from others, it helped tremendously. When I told my doctor about my symptoms and the borrowed medication, he prescribed me the same medicine.
However, around 14-15 weeks, when I needed a refill, my doctor refused. He insisted that since I was past the 12-week mark, my sickness must have subsided, and what I was experiencing was just heartburn. He recommended Tums and dismissed my concerns despite my insistence that I was still vomiting daily.
Within three days of running out of medication, I was in the hospital for dehydration. This experience highlights a critical issue in prenatal care: women's concerns are often dismissed, and prenatal depression may go unrecognized or untreated.
Prenatal vitamins and medications to help with nausea and vomiting.
Seeking New Support
At approximately 16 weeks pregnant, I began searching for a new doctor. Finding one willing to take on a patient midway through a pregnancy proved challenging, but eventually, I found one who scheduled me immediately.
My new doctor took my symptoms seriously. After trying several medications, we found one that worked—a special gel that I applied to my wrists. While it didn't eliminate my sickness entirely, it reduced my vomiting from daily to 3-4 times a week, making my pregnancy somewhat manageable.
The Unrecognized Depression of Pregnancy
Despite finding some physical relief, the emotional darkness persisted. I hated being pregnant. Every day felt like a struggle, with only rare moments of joy when buying baby clothes or during my maternity photoshoot.
Around 30 weeks, I started therapy. Surprisingly, despite being a therapist myself, I didn't disclose my true feelings to my therapist. I never mentioned the dark cloud, the intrusive thoughts, or how I wanted the pregnancy to end. I simply didn't recognize these as symptoms of prenatal depression at the time.
Looking back, I realize that I missed an opportunity for support. I maintained enough functionality to continue working as a therapist, holding it together for my clients while falling apart in private. I would get out of bed only to conduct therapy sessions or attempt to eat, then return to bed immediately after.
An Early Arrival
At 34 weeks pregnant, while getting ready for bed, I felt a pop followed by warmth between my legs. I called for my husband—the same way I would when needing help while vomiting. When he arrived, I told him I thought my water had broken.
The on-call doctor instructed us to go to the hospital immediately since I was only 34 weeks along. In my mind, this was just another complication in a pregnancy I already hated. While others might be excited to meet their baby, I was simply ready for the pregnancy to be over.
At the hospital, they confirmed my water had broken and administered medication to stop labor, hoping to delay delivery for at least 48 hours so they could administer steroid shots to help develop my daughter's lungs. Despite their efforts, my labor progressed.
Though I had hoped to avoid an epidural, the pain became unbearable, especially since they wouldn't let me move from the bed due to the muscle relaxants they had given me. By the time I asked for an epidural, I was already 8 centimeters dilated.
The Moment Everything Changed
My daughter Amalah was born at 10 a.m. the next day, 12 hours after arriving at the hospital. What happened next was nothing short of transformative: the moment she and the placenta left my body, it was as if storm clouds cleared and the sun began shining.
Almost instantly, my mood lifted. The dark thoughts disappeared, replaced by excitement and joy about meeting my daughter. This dramatic shift was when I finally recognized that what I had been experiencing throughout my pregnancy was depression.
The contrast between my prenatal depression and my positive postpartum experience was stark. Unlike many stories we hear about postpartum depression, my postpartum period was wonderful, while pregnancy had been the struggle.
Holding Amalah’s finger after her birth
Why I'm Sharing My Story
I'm sharing my experience because we need more honest stories about pregnancies that aren't joyful and about prenatal depression. Not all struggles happen after birth. You can struggle during pregnancy, and it's not a reflection of how you feel about your baby or an indication that you've done anything wrong.
During my pregnancy, I remember following other pregnant women on social media and seeing their excitement and joy. When I confided in one woman about not finding joy in pregnancy, she later posted that anyone struggling to find joy in pregnancy simply had the wrong mindset. This dismissal was hurtful, especially when I was already experiencing prenatal depression.
Support for Those Struggling
If my story resonates with you, know that I see you and support you. Complaining about pregnancy, discussing how it's not beautiful or joyful, and being honest about your feelings is valid. Pregnancy can be difficult, uncomfortable, and for some, a time of depression and anxiety.
If you're not enjoying pregnancy and need support, please know it's nothing you've done wrong. Seeking therapy or treatment for prenatal depression or anxiety is a sign of strength, not weakness. Sometimes, pregnancy is just not the joyful experience we're told it should be, and that's okay.
The Reality of Motherhood
Motherhood begins the moment you become pregnant, not just at birth. While we often focus on postpartum experiences and birth stories, we need to be equally open about pregnancy experiences—both the beautiful and the difficult.
My journey taught me that prenatal depression is real and often unrecognized, even by mental health professionals. By sharing these stories, we create space for all experiences of pregnancy and motherhood, helping others feel less alone in their struggles.
If you're experiencing symptoms of prenatal depression—persistent sadness, intrusive thoughts, lack of joy or interest, excessive worry, or feelings of hopelessness—please reach out to a healthcare provider who takes your concerns seriously. You deserve support during every stage of motherhood, including pregnancy.
Remember, your experience is valid, and you are not alone in this journey.
If you're experiencing prenatal depression or any concerning symptoms during pregnancy, please consult with a healthcare provider. This blog post is based on personal experience and is not a substitute for professional medical advice.